hoolia

um.

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 18:55:49 GMT

I'm not feeling that great but did need school clothes and things, decided to perhaps look for a dress for kyle's wedding thing, big mistake, everything that should be my size is not, in fact, my size. have gained many pounds since college started and sigh, well, ugh. cannot stop bawling, even in stores when people were there, was thinking why am i not enjoying things. why did i suck in my stomach when pictures were being taken. why did i get my hair all cut off if i knew my face was unattractive. want to go sleep in a trash bag and never eat again, so much for school clothes because that was my last opportunity unless you count tomorrow night but it doesn't count because i am always exhausted after my eye appointment. only purchased underwear, but it doesn't count either because mom purchased it while i wandered touching stuff and ignoring my nose and eyes running. oh and some stencils for my eyebrows, which will make them skinny and it'll be the only part of me that is skinny........shaving cream for dad but again, not much point. so i don't know why but mom is angry, i can always tell, i wonder what happened.

sigh. could go to somebody's house tonight and drink, maybe i should finally get drunk and just puke my cares away. nah, too loud. besides it would be costumey and all i want right now is a costume that covers my entire body, including vocal cords and personality.

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 03:17:20 GMT

...so I totally got EIGHT pieces of mail today.

aha!

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 04:15:25 GMT

So I saw The Lake House, which, aside from a possible time-space paradox at the end, was romantic and just what I needed. As everyone knows, I love getting and sending letters, and seeing this movie, with two people falling in love over letters, made me swoon. The letter-writing component is what makes me love movies like The Shop Around the Corner and its modern counterpart, You've Got Mail, and that Hallmark movie about love letters sent across the centuries through an enchanted desk.

I think it would be cool to get a mysterious letter sometime. But then again, nobody who reads this a) knows my address or b) could mask their own return address to such a degree that I couldn't figure out who it is. Maybe I'll just send a letter in a bottle.

There's a touching real-life story about a letter in a bottle. A young boy put a letter in a vanilla bottle and sent it into a lake in 1995, when he was about eleven or twelve. He was in the army and died recently (whether it was from conflict or other causes, I don't know). The bottle, and letter, resurfaced and ended up on shore, where a friend of his found it. Even though it may not have contained anything life shattering or conventionally important, isn't it amazing that a simple message like that could make you feel as though the person were still with you?

...in short, mail, please.

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 19:39:01 GMT

So I had an experience with a Little Person today (that person being the tiny cupcake that is Sonia, a high school math teacher's daughter. Think Math 1 and Math 3 and you know who I mean). Circumstances being that he just randomly called my house last night and needed a sitter really bad, I decided to help him out and babysit. After a frantic call to my boyfriend this morning, who informed me that I would not only NOT drop poor Sonia or maim her for life, but I might also actually have fun, I set off.

Three and a half hours, one lunch, two loads of laundry, one huge nap, and quite a bit of sandbox sand extraction from my pants later, I have to say that, well, I like giving the children back after the babysitting! Haha. Sonia kept telling me "No," but in such a charming and polite way that I indeed saw the error of my tyrannical ways--that yes, I let her chew on Juan-Carl, yes, I let her escape with two shoes on but only one sock, and yes, I carried her up a huge hill. Screw marathon training--all you need for hardcore exercise is a toddler. And with another baby very soon coming, my teacher is going to have a lot more exercise to do. I'm proud of him--he makes an adorable and devoted househubby.

But I still can't help wondering how long it's been since he picked up his guitar. Sigh.

KYLE'S COMING IN AN HOUR OMG.

some people call me the space cowboy...yeah

Wed, 31 May 2006 20:22:45 GMT

My two Indian princesses and I were discussing relationships last night. Which us to wondering--is there any point in having a relationship with someone when you know won't hold up over the long run?

I have to confess that my track record with relationships isn't very helpful in answering this question. Before Kyle, there were two, both of which I knew didn't have a future--one of the guys I knew I could never sleep with, let alone do any of those future-type things with, and the other was a light, happy, fun relationship, but I knew ultimately we'd want different things, different things made us happy.

I guess it just boils down to the fact that I am twenty years old. Maybe twenty years young is more appropriate. The future, as of yet, is shrouded in fog. Who knows where I'll be? And right now I'm in an amazing relationship where the whole package is there (not in order of importance, either)--comfort, love, strength, sexual attraction, compatability. Try as I might to put a definite picture to the future with this amazing young man in it, my conscience won't let me. It's too far away, but I wish it weren't. And maybe someday we'll have to let each other go. But currently, the thought of him with any other woman gives me a strong visceral reaction--it's just wrong.

Sigh. I just don't know.

SIGH.

Fri, 26 May 2006 04:56:29 GMT

I was just driving on River Road, which, at this particular point, happened to be a five-lane road with a wide grass median.

Imagine my surprise when a car comes hurtling at me, down the wrong side of the road, sixty miles an hour.

What would happen if I had crashed, and died? I wonder who would speak at my funeral. I wonder if I've said anything, written any letters, perhaps, that have anything worth quoting, contain some important notion of truth or something. I just wonder, I guess. What have I done so far?

Luckily for me, though, my last words would've been spoken to someone who gives me life. I've tried rewriting the next sentence over and over again to see if I can say what I mean, but I can't.

My love--you've put an indelible mark on my soul. Sometimes I think I am real only because of the strength of my love for you. It is so hard to say in a way that makes sense, but I think you know.

...

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:47:41 GMT

...LOL.

...so much anger. Damn that rap music.

*note my current music*

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:43:35 GMT

Eeeeeew. There are some people in this world that just make me feel groaty all over. Why do you have to be like that? GEEZ.

I guess I'm just writing because all of my hall is asleep right now.

Facebook as cultural mechanism? Well, certainly--it just made me sick, didn't it?

eeew.

yawn...

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 15:16:59 GMT

ah, bathrobes.

I'd like to be able to lie down on the bathroom floor and feel the cool tiles against my face. The floor of the bathroom here, however, is made of concrete, and I would probably contract some serious mange from it (such as herpes).

And now I'm off to hottify myself for the Founders' Day convocation.

The story of my Life: A short Play

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 05:34:24 GMT

Jules: *dum de dum*

Life: *Big-ass-backhand*

Jules:...um...ow?

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 19:00:58 GMT

ba-caw.

OMG I've made it to almost a year with no breaks...WOW GEEZ ACK.

Jules is geeky.

You know you're officially part of your boyfriend's family...

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 18:50:34 GMT

...when his brother and his roommate drunk dial you.

"I'm looking for KYYYYLE...KYLLE....He's my first mate! ARRRRRR."

Is there any way to save a voice mail message FOREVER?

LOL

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 00:59:11 GMT

YARGH sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel frustrated and angry and ugly and like slamming something bodily up against a wall. I don't think I'm ready to look in the mirror.

I hate that I can't let him go off without me to be himself, I hate that I can't be open and trusting and not embarassing and not judgmental. I hate that this paper is oozing out of my brain like messy molasses. I hate that my stomach is attacking me and my face has that coppery feeling to it.

I wonder if I'm actually ready for a real relationship. I guess it's a little late to be asking that. As one of my favorite quotes says, I wouldn't wanna be in a club that would have me for a member. I just can't seem to grow up.

Watching Kevin and Sarah get married made me realize that I may never have the kind of trust in myself to trust somebody else completely. This is as close as it's gotten, but I can't stop reeling back sometimes, thinking, "I'm going to get boring one of these days. I'm going to get ugly and redundant." Somehow I never trust the other person to stay interested, because I can't stay interested in myself.

I hate that I had the thought that my mother might not be around to see me get married. I hate the thought that I might be alone someday, that I might get put in the mental institution in heaven (see my paper).

I hate that I don't trust myself on highways not to slam into the first semi that passes.

I hate that I've said "I love you" to people before Kyle and have not known if I meant it, and that I have not meant it. I hate that maybe someday I will say it to someone else and wonder if this is all a sham. I hate that I won't be catching up on my letter-writing tonight because I'm being a self-indulgent bitch.

*soft moan*

where were they going?

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 14:17:47 GMT

Damn.

All of a sudden I just want to be fourteen again, with my silly fourteen-self and my fourteeen-people. None of this crap. But keep the important people from nineteen and just make them fourteen and with me.

And this from the girl who said you couldn't PAY her to go back to high school...but that isn't really what it is. I'm just tired and wish I could've stayed home for a few more days, but that was stressful, too. I just need a cuddle.

brr...it's chilly here. Ay, me.

waaah.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 02:13:23 GMT

I wanna watch Kal Ho Naa Ho again. With my Sarah and my Nene.

In other news, I'm taking a survey--is red appropriate to wear to a wedding? It's not harlot red, but then again, it's still red.

And I have to finish this English paper before Steve gets to Kenyon! SQUEE.

MAIL

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 15:12:46 GMT

Send it to me, people. I'm on facebook, you know where I live. And I've been being faithful!

yayest of yays

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 04:07:10 GMT

I'm a Stairwell! WOOT.

(Also, ignore depressed posts written on Mondays and Wednesdays. They're all because of this GODAWFUL story about mental illness that I'm reading for English. Poo.)

yawn

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 04:55:45 GMT

I don't have much to say except I don't know how I feel right now.

It feels like there's something wrong with me, but I can't put my finger on what, exactly. Does my skin feel different than it did before? Are my eyes less green? Has my self-esteem shrivelled up and died, as one professor suggested heartily?

On ne sait jamais, quoi.

I guess I just feel sad and needy and like I can't be on my own without thinking too much, too hard, too long. I don't want to envision anymore...I just want to sleep. And since it's after midnight, it seems like a good time. I guess I just figured that Kai would be here soon to cuddle me, but alas.

as Dagwood says, SKNNNXX. And I don't even like that cartoon.

sometimes I worry...

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 22:41:41 GMT

...that this loving a guy a lot thing might be not a good idea for someone of my temperament. Maybe I should just stop at liking them and finding their companionship amusing...stop before committment? That way, I wouldn't be worried that my boyfriend will run off with my room-mate, his ex-girlfriend, that freshman girl I saw him talking to, or anybody else. Because I'm sitting here, getting more unattractive (physically and mentally) by the second, and everybody looks new and exciting and appealing.

...that maybe he'll wake up one day and realize I'm not worth it...

...or worse, maybe I'll wake up and realize I'm not worth anything.

I twist my ring on my finger and it helps me to remember who I am when I'm with you, girlies. I like that me, relatively speaking.

Grr.

:_(

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 18:20:09 GMT

I love Kenyon (Kyle).

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

numberz

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 21:49:00 GMT

Well, only one step left to go on this year's quilt. YAY! I got a duvet cover, dark grey, to go with it. And it's only nine days until caldwellisadora and I will be fighting over who gets to sleep under it. I am so excited...nine days until aaah I get to run my hands through his hair, kiss him, finally tell him I love him in person. This phone crap just doesn't cut it.

I've started another project, too, or at least bought the fabric for it--some more pajama pants, but for me this time. It's a white fabric with different color numbers printed on it in straight lines. Add a silky red drawstring, and I've got myself something to fill a few rainy hours until I go.

Until I go!

I'm going!

*hugs self*

battle of pelenor fields time.

as long as we can live in haaaarmoneeeeee...

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 19:57:14 GMT

I have a headache, a dry throat, and sad eyes. ROWR, I just want to go back to bed.

...huh? What ON EARTH compels me

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 04:43:14 GMT

You see the world in shades of blue;
I say, on instinct, orange,
But wonder if maybe it isn't closer to grey.
Pewter,
Silver,
Mouse,
Pass before my eyes,
Trees grow dense and the whole landscape
Begins to resemble some sort of mine.
It is mine,
This universe,
This day,
This point in time.
Winds rush by, grey music dances in the radio.
You wonder, Teddy Roosevelt, yea or nay?
Have I ever thought about that before?
The answer is always no. Blackness
Expands and opens wider as I look inward,
Gazing on a mirror of
Are these blues?
Sky?
Cornflower?
Teddy Roosevelt?
I see you inside me and wonder how you got there.
It's you and
It's me
And actually
Together we've painted the world
It's our own brand of Technicolor Sanity

forget your lust for rich man's gold

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 04:24:38 GMT

...sigh.

Had a sad fit in the middle of the day. Cured by exactly twenty-seven I love yous. I guess it was just because my summer's been a definite five--on the fence.

ROWR. Can't speak because my head aches a little bit, and I can't quite figure whether I should sleep in tomorrow and risk another amazing dream (it's sad to wake up), or go out and greet the friggin' day.

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 14:40:08 GMT

For the first time in my life, I've been having a recurring dream. It's the same event in different settings, and I always wake up smiling.

No subconscious changing-of-mind stuff, no other people coming in and ruining anything. Just my real feelings with no second guessing. But I'm too young to feel this way. :(